Husbands: What to Avoid Checklist

Photo: William C. Crawford.

by Karen Kilcup

The First

He won’t cook. He never dances.
He insists you take his name.
He likes it when you’re sexy, but not too sexy.
He buys the right kind of dog, and the right kind of car.
He quits smoking before you meet him, and doesn’t tell you for ten years. He starts smoking again.
He likes racial slurs, but doesn’t use them until after you’re married. He uses them frequently, and when you object, uses them even more. He has no friends.
His father abused him. He likes gin.
He likes vodka.
He loves piña coladas.
His older sister is an alcoholic.
His twin brother overdoses on rum and prescription painkillers when he’s thirty.

Punches. Walls.

He owns guns, and won’t let you touch them.
He owns guns, and won’t tell you where they’re hidden.

The Second

He’s younger. A lot younger. He’s beautiful, not handsome.
He looks in the mirror several times a day. He loves his own hair.
He dislikes fat, especially on you.
He makes you mix tapes, when that was a thing. He runs with you . . . at first.
He criticizes your writing and praises your cooking, sometimes. He buys vitamins in bulk that expire quickly.
He complains about his parents being cheap but says you can’t afford yard help. He never applies for work that’s beneath him.
He wants you to get a second job, though he’s never worked. He has needs.
He has wants.
He hates getting screwed by everyone.

Polyamory.

He just wants friends who aren’t your friends. OKCupid, for him.
OKCupid, for you, afterward. He writes your profile, before you leave him.